Zealot in the Buffet Line

I was at a Juice Plus event, and I was talking to a food zealot. Man, I love zealots. Of course I would. I like intensity, high drama, and conflict and those things follow zealots around like hounds tumbling after a poodle in estrus.

So I ask the zealot something that bothers me. I have a hard time being “that guy”. The guy who orders a salad. The guy who doesn’t eat the cookies when they are passed around. The health nut, whack job guy. I’ve never been a man’s man. Never. Ever. Ever. I just can’t turn off all my emotions and grunt and watch sports and scratch myself. I can do some of those things, some of the time, but I can’t do them all at once. Not stoic enough. In my next life, though, Clint-frakkin-Eastwood.

So I ask the zealot the question, “How do you handle being ‘that vegan guy’?” And he said something very interesting. He said that he does it for other people, to be an example, to be the change he wants to see in the world. Yes, he does it for himself, to be healthy, to live longer, to perform in his life better, but in the end, it’s so he can foster a healthy environment for other people.

I really wish it was easier to eat better. Even if there was tons of social pressure to eat well, we’d all still hit Taco Bell and gulp down donuts, at the same time, burrito donuts, hmm, because that food tastes so good and is so fun. Eating rotten is fun and rebellious. Hurray, donut burgers.

In my environment, there is social pressure to eat poorly. So maybe, if I can be the example, if I can be the guy who orders a salad, who skips the cookie, who risks being labeled whacky, I can help other people make the hard choices when it comes to food.

Curley Sue: A Cautionary Tale

I met a guy at a writer’s conference who only wrote in suburban Marriott bars. He was jaded, sad, tragic, frustrated with the poverty, oppression and generally suckiness of being a writer. Of course, I loved him. He was drunk. He couldn’t pitch his book. He loved his story. I might have been talking in the mirror. Except for the drunk part. None for me, thanks, I’m driving. Sober as a judge.

I’m in the bar at a Hilton in Toledo, Ohio, and I want to warn you all of the tragedy, frustration, and general suckiness of squandering time. Last night, we got done early from the software installation at a local hospital. I had hours to write, and write, and write. I have a lot to do. I have stuff to read for my critique group. I have stuff to read for friends. I have stuff to do. Being writer means having homework for the rest of your life. I think Lawrence Kasdan said that. He wrote The Empire Strikes Back. Oh yeah.

But did I write, and read, and do my homework? No.

Stay with me. I’m about to jump. Like in Battlestar Galactica. JUMP! Back in 1998. I was thirteen years younger. Late twenties. I was just married. I was flirting with the idea of writing for reals. Just flirting. Nothing serious. I was too scared for serious. I was terrified of serious. And one Sunday, I watched the movie Curley Sue. I was in that tragic state of wanting to do something, but not being motivated to do anything. I knew I didn’t want to watch Curley Sue. But I couldn’t move. John Hughes had me spellbound. I was trapped. Like a rat. Like a writer at a suburban hotel chain, in the bar, writing books no one would ever read.

Life is too short for watching movies you don’t really want to watch. Life is too short to avoid doing the things that bring life and power to ourselves and others. Life is not about hiding in ice cream and TV. Life is about doing the hard things that task us. Like from Star Trek II, it tasks me, it tasks me.

So last night, I Curley Sue’d. I watched Monday Night Football. It was tragic. I did feel manly, and the game was good, but it was still Curley Sueing.

And so, tonight, we stayed late at the hospital. There were bugs that needed to be stepped on. We got as many as we could, but here it is, late, and we have to be there early tomorrow morning. I blew it. But I’ll get my homework done, well, the little piece I can, and I’ll be a little light on sleep, and I’ll regret the hours I squandered when I had the time.

Do you know what the trick is? It’s to put writing first. Yesterday, I went up to my room, thinking I would write later. Later will never come. So tonight after dinner, I headed for the bar. I’m drinking de-caf coffee. It’s very fine. But I’m doing my writing first. Because writing will never happen later. Other things will happen later, but not writing. Writing will only ever happen right now.

I love de-caf coffee. Not manly, but it beats Curley Sueing myself out of life.

Man Monkey Machine

Some days I’m far more monkey than machine. In monkey-mode, I’m easily distracted. Squirrel!

When I’m in monkey mode, I just want to be distracted with something pleasurable. Ooh, shiny things on the internet. I think I’ll eat my weight in MacDonald’s today. Ugh, scratch, scratch, scratch. Must eat more. Armageddon is coming and it won’t be easy to find MacDonald’s hash browns. More scratching ensues.

Write? I can’t write, I’m a monkey. Work out? No, seriously, monkey here. I’ll only exercise if something is chasing me and wants to eat my monkey butt. Hey, I’m gonna start saying that to people at work. You don’t like what I have to say? Eat my monkey butt. I’m sure that it will foster understanding and joy among the masses.

When I’m machine, it’s awesome. Systems online at 4:36. Start my computers. 4:41 I leave for the gym. 5:15 I begin workout. 6;15 drive home. 6:30 begin writing. 8:30 begin work. Work until 12:01. Back to work at 12:31. Finish the day at 5:00 P.M. Interface with familial unit until 8:00. Read books until 9:30. Shutting down. Good night, Dave. Good night, Hal.

Oh, why can’t I be a machine? Why, Spock, why?

Hmm, maybe Star Trek has the answer. Well, duh. All of life’s mysteries can be solved with a little Star Trek. Data longed to be an artist, and while he could master the forms perfectly, there was no soul in his art. I’ve read books like that.

It’s the monkey in us that makes us interesting. The spirit of the animal. The god made flesh. If it wasn’t for our flesh, we’d be pretty boring. I mean, how would I wear my Rockies’ cap?

So when the machine mode hits, I gotta ride it and love it and work it. And when I ape out? Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Squirrel!