Category Archives: 12 Step Success

The Terror Factory and the Fear Inventory: Step Four Continued

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Step 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

I think the number one issue that affects writers more than any other emotion is fear. Blind, raging fear. And in the writing world, well, being fearless is a necessity. Or at least finding the courage to walk through our fears. That can be rough.

However, if we really examine our fears, a lot of the time we can see they are unreasonable or completely unwarranted. So this is why I think the heart of the 4th step is the fear inventory. The “grudge list”, or resentment inventory gives us our fears laid out right down the line because a lot of the time fear hides itself as resentments, but not always.

I start my fear inventory with all the fears I have with resentments. And then I lay them out on paper. Here are the columns.

Fear History of Fear Self-Reliance Failed Me Please Marching Orders
Name the fear. Write down a brief history of the fear. In what ways have I tried to deal with the fear myself with no help from the Divine? Ask the Divine to remove this fear. What are my marching orders? What kind of person does the Divine want me to be?

 

In this way, we can see the roots of the fear and then how we’ve tried to deal with the fear. Generally, I try and ignore the fear, hoping it will go away. Typical man. No, I won’t go to the doctors, I’m fine. My compound fracture will heal if I just ignore it.

What’s interesting for me is that a lot of fears have no history. I have an overactive imagination so I can imagine the horrible things but generally, they never come to pass. Other fears have roots in my childhood. The world can be cruel to a child. And kids can be downright evil to the people around them.

Now, I have a hard time with the “God” idea, so I used the Divine. For me, it carries less weight than God. The Divine also seems bigger, more unknowable, and will this Divine Other help me? I don’t know. But I can pretend it can. Why not?

So I ask the Divine to remove my fear and then I get my marching orders. What kind of person does the Divine want me to be?

This is the meat of the whole inventory process. What is my ideal around this area? And then how I can strive for that ideal?

Next week I’ll take the fear I had from my resentment example and we’ll inventory it together. Never alone. Never again.

 

In Jail for Killing My Critique Group Partner: Step Four Example

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Step 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

So, one night, years ago, way before I was published, I left my critique group and I realized I hated one of the members. Hated her like the Devil hates puppies. This woman would open her mouth and I’d just want to hit her. So that night, around midnight, as I lay there, not sleeping, hating on her, I realized I needed to inventory why she troubled me so much. Because it’s a spiritual axiom; if I’m feeling upset, there is something wrong with me.

Above all, I wanted to be free from the resentment. Hating people is hard work, and I’m a busy guy.

So I got up, went to my computer, and here is a perfect example of using the 4th-Step inventory process to work through a resentment. I changed the name to protect the innocent.

I’m Resentful At:
Betty Smith

The Cause
I am resentful at Betty because her book was terrible, and yet she is so hard on my book, and she knows so little. She thinks she knows all about young adult fiction and how young adults talk and she doesn’t. She’s mean and critical.

How does this resent affect my self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relation, sex relations? What are my belief systems?
I am… worthless. I can’t write. I should give up.

I want…everyone to like my writing.

I need…to know I’m not wasting my time and that I do have an audience.

Pocketbook…None. Well, my future booksales might be hurt if she is right and that scares me.

A Real Man…should give up if they can’t do things perfectly. A real man wouldn’t embarrass themselves by showing the world subpar work.

A Real Woman…only wants a man who does things perfectly and doesn’t want to see any weakness or imperfection.

Where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid?
Selfish
I am selfish because I have talent. Just like my daughter Asha has talents. Like my daughter Ella has talents. When I disregard my talents, it’s like Asha or Ella saying they are bad and wrong. It’s not the truth and it’s selfish and prideful for me to think I’m so awful. Like Dave said, “Quit talking bad about yourself.” It’s self-indulgent.

Dishonest
I am dishonest because I know I’m not worthless and I know I can write. I am the real thing. Like other published writers I’ve read. I’m also being dishonest with myself because deep down I don’t believe real men should do everything perfectly, and I don’t believe that’s all women want.

Self-seeking
I am self-seeking because I don’t want to write for an audience. I want to churn stuff out for my own sense of accomplishment, and then not show it to anyone. And it’s self-seeking to want to be the best, above reproach, above critique, so everyone will praise me and tell me how great I am.

Fear
I’m afraid that I’ll never get published. And I’m afraid that if I do get published, I won’t have an audience.

* * *

So that was the inventory. Since it was late, I waited until the next day to call a friend of mine. I then read over the inventory and shared what was going on with me and this woman. At the next critique group, I was free of Betty Smith and I could listen to her. She didn’t have to change, I did. Once I could see the triggers, I could let Betty be Betty.

She did me a service, even if she wasn’t very pleasant. I needed to think about an audience, even if it was just one person, and that’s what really got stuck in my craw. It’s an overwhelming idea and I was afraid. But once I worked through it, I felt better.

Over the years, I’ve inventoried my hatred of other writers better than me, the whole writing industry, writing as an art form (lonely–at least being a musician you get to hang out in bars), people not liking my writing enough, feeling cursed by God for being a writer, and the list goes on.

There is no way I could have continued to write with all of the emotional baggage hanging over my head. I had to get to the other side, and for the most part, I did, but nothing is perfect. I relapse into negative thinking all the time and that’s why in 12–Step programs they say, “practicing the steps” or “working the steps.” In a very real sense, we’re never done.

Notice, part of the inventory process is the fifth step, sharing it with another person.

But we’re not done quite yet. Next week, we’ll talk fear. Don’t be afraid. I’ll be right there with you all the way.

I Can’t Write Because I Hate You: The Fourth Step and Resentments

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Step 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Let me start the 4th step stuff with this quote:

“Another writer’s blockage—a more serious blockage—may arise from an excessive need for a success not actually related to good writing: an excessive need to please admirers (that is, to be loved), or prove himself vastly superior to others (that is, to be superhuman), or justify his existence against the too obstreperous cry of some old psychological wound (that is, to be redeemed). No amount of work can solve this writer’s problem, because nothing he writes satisfies the actual motive behind it.”

–John Gardner, On Becoming a Novelist, 135

In the 4th step, we inventory exactly what is keeping us wounded and blocked and scared like rabbits on the road. It’s probably my favorite step because we get to write and I’m a writer. I’ve learned, though, it’s not about quantity, but more about quality. To really get to the heart of who I am, it doesn’t take many words or many resentments, just some good soul-searching.

In the 4th step, taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, affectionately called the “Big Book,” there are three parts: Resentments, fears, and sex. In writing, I haven’t had much to write about sex—writing is lonely thing, so I’ll just concentrate on the first two.

Let’s take resentments as any negative feeling we feel over and over. Generally, resentments are colored by anger, envy, or self-pity (my personal favorite). I’ve heard it said before that self-pity is the coward’s form of resentment. That’s me. Big coward.

So when I think about writing and I get angry over how unfair the publishing industry is, well, that’s a perfect resentment to start with. Just perfect.

Or another good one is when someone in my critique group has a huge success, and I feel so much envy I can’t write. I hate them. God loves them, not me, so why bother? Yeah, been there. It’s ugly.

But self-pity is such a lovely thing for a writer to feel. Oh, how cursed I am to want to write, to spend hours and hours of my life struggling to write something worth reading only to fail because I don’t have a literary agent and my e-pubbed books sales are so dismal. This is when I take my hand, put it squarely on my forehead, and give the universe the self-pity salute. Oh, woe is me.

The basic fourth step is that we list out what we are resentful of, people, places, and things. I resented California for years—it took away my innocence, that modern-day Babylon. California! When will you fall into the ocean so I can be done with you!!!
So we make a list of resentments, then write down why we are resentful, and then what that affects: our self-esteem, ambition, security, pocketbook, personal relations, or sex relations.

For those keeping track, that’s three columns. The fourth column is where the real work is done. That’s where we see what our part is in the drama. Where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. Not “or,” but “and.” Every resentment I have I am all of those things; selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. Most of the times I’m just dishonest with myself, but not always.

So those are the first four columns and it looks like this:
Resentment:
The person, place, thing I resent. Resentment is re-feeling a negative emotion over and over
The Cause:
List the causes of the resentment.
Affects My:
How does this resentment affect my self-esteem, security, ambition, pocketbook, personal relations, or sex relations.We are trying to get to belief systems – use these prompts:self-esteem – I am…
security – I need…
ambition – I want…
Pocketbook – NA
personal relations – A real woman…
sex relations – A real man…
My Part:
Where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid? Read self-seeking as image management. How do I want people to see me?

Next week I’ll give you specific examples.