I saw the movie, John Carter, and while I went in afraid it was going to suck like a Hoover-demon, I left overjoyed.

They got it right. I can’t imagine another movie so lovingly done, so respectful of Edgar Rice Burroughs, and so faithful to the world of Barsoom. Maybe not to the actual books, but to the spirit behind the books. The vision.

Keep something in mind. I loved Peter Jackson’s The Fellowship of the Ring. However, he lost me in The Two Towers, because Sam, Frodo and Smeagol were about to sit down to eat a supper of rabbit and taters, and they were interrupted. No. You have to have them eating the rabbit and the taters. Or it all doesn’t work.

So I am very sensitive about books being translated into movies. And I knew Hollywood was going to try and kill my beloved John Carter. I grew up on Barsoom books, ever since I was an eight-year-old, and I’d get in trouble for bringing the books to school because in my editions, they had half-naked women on the cover. Drawn wonderfully by Michael Whelan.

It was worth the trouble. I adored Dejah Thoris and Thuvia, Maid of Mars. I dreamed of sleeping in the towers of Helium on my dais of silks and furs. To fly across the dying world, a radium pistol at my side, a long sword, short sword, and dagger on my harness.
So I figured the John Carter movie was going to be a lot of fighting, and no rabbits and taters for supper. Then I heard Andrew Stanton was going to help write and direct, and that guy, that guy brought us Wall-E. Which I still can’t talk about without getting weepy.

“Wall-E!“

“Eva!”

Me. Crying.

I went with hope in my heart, but fear in my wallet. And guess what?  Taters were roasted. Rabbits were eaten.  The movie was wholly and completely satisfying.

Now, I haven’t read all the reviews. And I don’t know what the zeitgeist is on the movie, but I will give you my opinion. And forgive me, ERB, forgive me, but I liked the movie better than the book. I know, I know. But hey, in the movie, Dejah Thoris is a real woman, with strengths and weaknesses. And John Carter? He’s not a cookie-cutter-white-guy-hero coming to save the day. In Andrew Stanton’s story, John Carter is a good man with a troubled soul who has a character arc, who changes, who is heroic, but that heroism came at an awful price.

And dude, they had McNulty from The Wire as the bad guy. Right there, that raises this movie up to the heavens. And don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop, Willem Dafoe as Tars Tarkas.

“Virgina!”

I laughed. I cried. I loved me some Woola and Sola. And the baby Tharks. I wanna wake up with baby Tharks crawling all over me. Better than puppies. Well, prolly not. But the movie did a great job bringing the Tharks, men, women, and children, to life.

Yes, there were some minor problems. I mean, the swords were wrong. Look at the Michael Whelan covers for how Barsoomian weaponry looks. Long swords, short swords, and daggers. Not curved. Not alien. They should look like how Michael Whelan drew them and how I imagined them for decades.

And the motivation of the Therns was kinda iffy. I mean, part of me dug it—they had that vibe of The X-Files’ smoking man but with more tech and less Camel cigarettes. I also needed a little more of why Dejah Thoris thought Barsoom would be destroyed if she got married. And the opening nearly threw me off the horse. Until we got back to the Arizona Territory. Then, it was magic. Pure, magical storytelling.

I felt young again. As when the world was new. And I was eight years old, and my dad’s friend gave me books that changed his life, and would change mine. All written by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

In the movie, I cried when I was supposed to cry. I laughed when I was supposed to laugh. I felt hopeful for John Carter, I hated the villains, I loved the heroine.

Bottom line, the movie hooked me, and it’s getting harder and harder to get to my old, jaded heart. Especially with some big, dumb, 3D action movie. This worked for me.

And I hope ERB is looking down from heaven with approval. Because the way the movie treated him was just right. So full of respect, and honor, and love.

I plan on going to see it a second time with my daughter. To pass along the legacy. Because this movie truly feels like the torch of Barsoom is being passed to another generation who will ride their thoats across the empty seas under a Martian sky, looking for adventure, love, and a better world.