Author Archives: admin

Really Quick Movie Reviews: “Comedy is just tragedy with more fart jokes.”

Posted on by
1

BAD TEACHER – This is what I want.  I want to take the Cameron Diaz character out of this movie and put her in a movie written by Adam Sandler and his buddy.  The first four Adam Sandler movies, Billy Madison through Big Daddy, were brilliant because they told a story.  Yeah, the story was cliche, stupid, predictable, stupid and stupid, but there was a story there, with a nice predictable character arc.  And yet, the ride along that patch of road was so alien and over the top, it was awesome!  Like going down Kipling for the ten thousandth time with a meth-outed Barnum and Bailey’s clown, a monkey, and Oliver Pratt doing lines of coke off a stripper’s taut belly.  Bad Teacher has the coke, the taut stripper belly, Justin Timberlake being all cute and wonderful and funny and daring and risky, and Jason Segel being as cuddly and smarmy as a teddy bear in a teddy, but it doesn’t have a story or character arc.  Which is a shame.  Because the movie could have been so much more awesome.  However, what Cameron Diaz did with her body and a desk is worth a watch.  And I don’t mean that in a sexual way, you dirty-minded people.  Dirty, dirty I say.

THE GREEN LANTERN – Love that Ryan Reynolds.  Love the hot chick who had to play the typical disgruntled hot chick.  Love the fact that the movie is not good versus evil, but really will versus fear.  How cool is that?  I never read the comic book, and I always thought Green Lantern was kind of silly.  Green ring that creates green things.  Yeah, whatever.  But you tell me the green energy is will and the yellow energy is fear, well, you have my attention.  No, seriously.  I am sitting up straight in my seat.  And the visuals in this movie.  I wish I had seen it at a theater.  Some great stuff.  And you have the huge tentacled monster, huge and huger, getting bigger, huge, sprawling.  It had that two-page, jaw-dropping quality.  Everything else, pretty typical, but hey, it worked for me.  And Tim Robbins, always good to see Tim Robbins.  “I wanna spank your bald head and lick it.”  Yeah, Tim Robbins, class act.  Is he still married to Susan Sarandon?  I hope so.

CAPTAIN AMERICA – Right away, you love the little guy who wants to fight Nazis, who won’t stay down after bully kicks the hell out of him, who just has this vast amount of heart.  And you love Tommy Lee Jones.  And you love Stanley Tucci.  And you just love this movie.  And boom, Hugo Weaving looking like what Roger Ebert says, a guy with a face made from that fake red Chinese food duck meat.  Hugo Weaving.  Cool.  And who doesn’t like to kill Nazis?  Not this red-blooded American hombre.  And the path to superhero wasn’t through his own pluckiness, but through political marketing and American propaganda.  No, this movie was probably the superhero movie to see from the Summer of 2011, and yet, in the end, oh don’t hate me, it fell down at the climax.  With a movie like this, you need a huge, end of the world, blow ’em out of the water, kill me now, shoot me later, type of ending.  A climax that leaves you breathless. Didn’t quite do it.  Kind of petered out.  Though I did get a little teary-eyed when Cap is talking to his girl and he’s sacrificing himself and it was sweet.  Though you could have had that and had the big, blowing-stuff-up type of ending.  Ah well, not all movies can be as perfect as GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.  Kidding.  Not really.

HORRIBLE BOSSES – First of all, Jason Bateman is aging into perfection. He’s like cheese.  He’s like wine.  He’s like vintage porn.  And I had to read the ending credits twice.  Er, the IMDB post.  Sorry.  Colin Farrell played one of the horrible bosses.  Impressive.  But then, he probably knows his way around a coke spoon and trashy women.  Open.  This end up.  And Kevin Spacey, who can play snide and evil as well as anyone, and Jennifer Aniston’s daring, over-the-top, risky, fully committed hoooooarrrrr was inspired, and Jamie Foxx, what he did with that drink and straw, academy-frakkin-award.  No, seriously.  This movie wrote itself.  Three guys wanna kill their horrible bosses and they are all justified.  Yeah, duh.  Pitch me, baby, ’cause you don’t need to pinch me.  However, yeah, no movie is ever perfect, except GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.  Kidding.  Not really.  I wanted Horrible Bosses to be smarter.  I wanted cleverness, and they flirted with cleverness, but it never really got me there.  In the end, I was satisfied, I’d give it a thumbs up, but again, I want more, always more, give me more.  Give me twists and clever.  The cell phone was flirting with clever, but they needed to add Jennifer Aniston into the cell phone\assassination thing.  Then I would have been happier, and if Aaron ain’t happy, nobody is happy.

GET HIM TO THE GREEK – There have been a lot of comedies out lately that are all trying to be as great as Get Him to the Greek and they fail, and do you know why?  Movies like Hot Tub Time Machine, and others, fail because they, oopsies, forget about story.  And character.  And tragedy.  Comedy is just tragedy with more fart jokes.  Get Him to the Greek is a revelation because it shows this grand, epic, tragic character and we follow him through his nightmare and it’s hilarious.  The writing is smart, reaching beyond the words, to be smarter.  Really, dang smart and funny.  Jonah Hill.  The fat guy Everyman, and his girlfriend, Daphne, the chick from Mad Men, and let me tell you, the actor who plays Aldous Snow is done.  You can layer make-up on that guy and put him in front of a green screen and give him a Swedish accent, dubbed, and still, I would only see Aldous Snow.  It’s a Colombo type of character.  A House type of character.  Like Jim from Taxi. The end.  And Sean Combs, Academy Award for this guy, as the evil music industry executive who is completely insane.  Not since The Hangover have I been so impressed with a story that swept me along and left me laughing my butt cheeks off.  I had to vacuum them up.  And don’t worry, we have a happy ending.  And Lars Ulrich?  Are you kidding me?  Loved his cameo.  Best movie I’ve seen since I started watching movies again.  Can’t recommend this enough.

DODGEBALL – Ben Stiller zapping his nipples with a car battery while toying with a donut.  Ah, yes.  This is the Adam Sandler school of comedy.  Stupid, cliche story, done well, with a wild cast of dodgeballers.  And Ben Stiller.  And his hot wife who may or may not be a lesbian.  And Rip Torn.  Whenever Rip Torn is in a movie, I just wanna buy the movie because I love Rip Torn.  He was in The Beastmaster, don’t you know.  And you know, when I watched the movie, I was put off by Vince Vaughn’s character because he really didn’t care one way or another.  But the Apple commercial guy was so ardent, that Vince Vaughn could be so blithe.  This one is a classic, or can we have classics any more?  We have so many damn movies, it’s hard to say.  Notice on the chest, it says DEUS EX MACHINA on it at the end.  Nothing new in this movie, except the way it takes a cliche and kicks it squarely in the testes.  Hurray.

MAVERICK – It’s a western.  It’s fun.  It’s not dark.  Mel Gibson smiles so much, and is so nice, you can forget about his later-years meltdown.  Poor Mel.  Never be too handsome and never be too rich.  It kills your soul no matter how many Jesus movies you make.  And then James Garner strolls on as Zane Cooper, Coop to his friends.  Love James Garner.  And James Coburn.  Two veterans, cowboy weary, and Graham Greene as the ironic Indian and a funny Richard Donner cameo for Danny Glover.  Ah, the 90s.  When I could watch as many movies as I could stomach.  Strong story, strong characters, though no real character arcs, but that’s okay because William Goldman is too good of a writer, you can forget about little things like that.  I would say, Jodie Foster did well, but I don’t know, you’ll hate me, I know, but her dramatic work really blocked me.  And her personal life stuff.  And the icon that is Jodie Foster.  I had a hard time with her doing comedy and doing the role.  Stupid of me.  This is why it’s best to ignore everything about an actor except their work.  It can get in the way.  I would have liked to see Holly Hunter in that role, but then, I’d like every movie to have Holly Hunter in it.  No, really.  Every single movie.  Including, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

I Take The Kryptonite to Author Ian Healy About His Novel, Just Cause

Posted on by
6

So Ian Thomas Healy is one of my most favorite people on earth.  No, seriously, I love this guy like I love beets.  And I love beets.  All I ate yesterday were beet greens and beet juice.  I read the first chapter of his novel, Just Cause, and immediately switched to hating him because the writing was as smooth as beet schnapps.  Here is the interview.

Aaron Michael Ritchey: Like a great invention, a novel starts with a moment of inspiration.  What was the moment of inspiration for Just Cause?

Ian Healy: In 2003, I knew nothing about the publishing industry and thought that a good way to break in would be to write a Star Wars novel (hint: it’s not). I wrote it and sent an email to an editor at Del Rey, which was publishing the Star Wars line. She didn’t have to reply at all, but she did. She said you have to be asked to write a Star Wars novel; we don’t accept unsolicited submissions. I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do this, so I emailed her back and asked “what do I have to do to get asked?” Again, she didn’t have to reply, but she did. You have to have written and sold something in a style that is conducive to the style of the Star Wars Universe, and developed a good fan following. Most writers might have packed it up right then and gone off to watch TV or something. I said to myself “fine, I’ll show her.” And over the next several months wrote an original, epic superhero novel called Just Cause. I completed it in 2004 and started researching how to submit to agents. Eventually, I sent it off to about 140 agents, and was rejected by every single one.

AMR: Why Super Heroes?  Why Mustang Sally?  Why, Spock, Why?

IH: I love superheroes and have since I was a wee, short-haired lad. I remember running around my neighborhood with a towel safety-pinned around my neck for a cape. I remember in pre-school, playing superheroes with my younger sister (I was Super Bow Wow, she was Wonder Meow Meow). I’ve been pretty well obsessed with them as long as I can remember.

Mustang Sally was a character I created for a superhero role-playing game. It bugged me to let her languish after the game ended, so I found some new stories to tell about her.

AMR: Is your book more X-Men, or is it more Justice League, or is it more Watchmen?  Please justify your answer with comic book knowledge that dazzles.

IH: I’m unabashedly a DC guy, so there are far more overtones of the Justice League in Just Cause than there are hints of the X-Men. Just Cause is, in this book, the operational arm of the Department of Homeland Security. Parahumans are not treated as criminals, as they are in the X-Men. In Just Cause, they’re more like celebrities and professional athletes. Many of them don’t wear masks or hide their identities. When they’re not on active duty, they spend time in community organizations and charities. On the other hand, I don’t have the characters with the truly cosmic power levels that are spread throughout the DC universe. Nobody in Just Cause is going to reignite a dying sun with their heat vision (which Superman has done). Sally’s ability to exceed the speed of sound (barely, recounted in my short story Graceful Blur /plug) makes her one of the most powerful characters in the JCU (did you see what I did there? I abbreviated it and made it sound cool and important!). Marvel characters tend to have abilities that are much more grounded (if such a thing can be said about superheroes).

AMR: Speaking of X-Men, Justice League, and the Watchmen, which do you prefer?  Why?  What would you change?  Favorite issue, character, scene?

IH: I have passing familiarity with the X-Men, so I can’t really comment with thorough knowledge. On the other hand, I have long-time familiarity with the Justice League and Watchmen. The Justice League has been disappointing to me since the Keith Giffen days. Anyone who read it back then will understand this: “One … punch!” The modern Justice League is a constantly rotating stable of 2nd, 3rd, and lower-tier characters that aren’t strong or popular enough to carry their own series. In the DC universe, the Justice League is supposed to be the best and brightest team of all, but in my opinion, they may as well rename themselves the Legion of Substitute Heroes. They’re the Fifth Quarter guys in high school basketball. At least when Giffen was working on it, they were funny. Now they’re just kind of boring.

Watchmen is as close to a perfect superhero story as has ever been told. Don’t judge it by the movie. The graphic novel is where it’s at. Here’s interesting trivia about Watchmen: Originally, Alan Moore was going to use the old Charlton Comics characters but DC made him change them at the last minute because they were going to release new comics featuring updated versions of the characters (to which they had acquired the rights). The original cast would have been:

Captain Atom = Dr. Manhattan
Blue Beetle = Nite Owl
The Question = Rorschach
The Peacemaker = The Comedian
Thunderbolt = Ozymandias
Nightshade (sort of) = Silk Spectre

Isn’t that interesting, comic book geeks?

AMR: Not to give anything away, which section was the most fun to write of Just Cause?  Put another way, when you were revising, which section did you look forward to reading again?

IH: I think the entire third act is my favorite from beginning to end. There’s some tragedy, some death, some amazing heroics, and a great big battle. What’s not to love?

AMR: Which Batman do you prefer?  Christopher Nolan’s?  Tim Burton’s?  Adam West’s?  Which would you want to re-write?  Read Christopher Nolan’s Batman as Frank Miller’s, or do you think that’s a fair comparison?

IH: Frank Miller’s Batman from The Dark Knight Returns is my favorite, hands down. Christopher Nolan’s Batman is based upon Frank Miller’s younger Batman (from the Batman: Year One series), so I think his is a great version too. I don’t know if I’d want to try writing Batman. There’s so much history there, so much risk of telling a story that’s already been done to death. In my own JCU, every story I tell is new and fresh, and that’s the way I like it.

AMR: So Just Cause was 25% longer than it is now.  How was the cutting?  Was it bloody, fun, or bloody fun?  Do you long for the missing 25% like a lost limb?

IH: The parts which I cut have become seeds for subsequent novels in the series, four of which are already completed (besides Just Cause). Never throw anything away, kids!

AMR: Do you have other Just Cause novels in the works?  Are we talking Robert Jordan Wheel of Time length series on this one?

IH: The current plan is for 19 novels. I’ll probably round that off to a nice, even 20. And then I’ll think of some more stories to tell, and it’ll grow. Eventually, I’d like to be in a position to invite other authors to contribute stories, the way that the Star Wars universe has expanded.

AMR: Which character are you most like in Just Cause?  If it’s a female character, I need bra size.

IH: Sorry to disappoint, but I’m most like Crackerjack. Except, you know, I haven’t ever jumped out of a plane without a parachute because I’m invulnerable.

AMR: You are one of my heroes.  You have a full-time job, a full-time family, and yet you write all the time.  Tell us how you do it.  And talk about the thumbs.  It’s all about the thumbs.

IH: I’ve written probably four or five novels on my Blackberry (since retired and replaced with a Droid). With my thumbs. I’m a mean-ass thumb typer. How do I do it all? Simple. Can you write a thousand words in an hour? Most writers can. Can you write a page in 15 minutes? Half a page in ten? A paragraph in a minute or two? I’m always writing, whether or not I’m actually putting words on the page. Because I’m plotting ahead, when I get five or ten minutes to write, the story’s already there in my mind and all I have to do is transcribe it. That’s how I can write for five minutes, do something else for ten, and then come back and write some more without losing my place. Teach yourself to write like that and you’ll be astonished at how much work you can produce.

AMR: You got 140 rejections for Just Cause.  No, seriously.  And yet whenever I see you, you are smiling and happy.  Me too!  I am on ultra-heavy modern anti-psychotics.  How do you keep a positive attitude?

IH: Life’s too short to spend it pissed off or depressed, or being angry about being pissed off or miserable about being depressed. I just have another cup of coffee, read a funny tweet (my current faves are @FakeEditor, @GhettoHikes, and @God_Damn_Batman), and get back to it.

AMR: Gotta talk about the Lego Action Series.  How did that start?  Give me the link?  Give me the scoop.

IH: Well, I hate to disappoint you, but The Adventures of the S-Team is ending next month after almost six years. #1500 will be the final strip. You can read it in its entirety at www.ianthealy.com/comic. It started on a whim and six years later, that whim is finally played out.

AMR: For question 13, make up a question, and then answer it, but only answer it by not answering it.  You have 30 seconds.

IH: How do you keep your hair so awesome?
I use Jason brand Aloe Vera shampoo twice a week and alternate between a detangling conditioner or Nature’s Gate Jojoba conditioner daily. Work it through the hair. Squeeze it out but don’t rinse. Squeeze dry with an old t-shirt. Beautiful curls, and the chicks love ’em.

God Needs Killin’

Posted on by
2

I am a huge fan of the PREACHER comic books as created by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon. Pitch me, homie. A preacher coming from a nightmare childhood plays host to a primordial force and decides God has frakked up creation and goes on a quest to bring God to justice. Sidekicks are his hitgirl girlfriend and drunk, ne’er-do-well Irish vampire. And what happens when Reverend Jesse Custer finds God?

Quit readin’ now if you don’t wanna know. This here blog post is chock full of spoilers. Ye have been warned.

And if you are easily offended, yeah, there are better and more interesting things out there on the internet to suck away your time.

Back to the PREACHER. In the end, after tales of dysfunctional families, sodomy, torture, true love, serial killers, castration, and meat packin’, the preacher hires the Saint of Killers to murder God. Which the Saint is happy to do so he can get vengeance on God for killin’ the Saint’s wife and daughter. Hang ‘Em High meets Albert Camus. Or The Outlaw Josey Sartre.

Now, more spoilers, but ye gods, where have you been livin’? Under a rock? In the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman, God is also killed. To me, all of this points to the conclusion that God, as some understand him, needs to die.

In the PREACHER comics, God is a love addict. He sets up creation, creates man, then makes life unendurable so people have to turn to God. Which, in some mainstream Christian thought, is exactly how it all works. If you are sorrowful and hurting, turn to God, love him. But if God planned your life for you to miserable, that makes Him a manipulator, or a monster. See my Holocaust reference below.

Garth Ennis was bright enough and brave enough to document this theology in a violent, graphic, R-Rated comic book. God love him.
But see, this type of needy, diabolical God needs to die. The idea that God has any sort of human characteristics is just Greek mythology re-done. No, God needs to be bigger. In fact, God needs to be so big, He envelopes nothing. God is nothing. God does not exist. God is nowhere, nothing, nix, nihil, empty set. A void in the abyss. A unuttered whisper.

From Karen Armstrong’s brilliant, A Case for God, these are the apophatic aspects of God. Unknowable. Holy. Holy. Holy.

Holy is translated as divine, or sacred, but originally it meant simply other. Holy, holy, holy, God. Other. Other. Other. Unknowable. The Jesuits told me that trying to intellectualize God is like trying to pour the ocean into a thimble. Sit back and ponder that bit of prose, pardner.

If God created the universe, and God is anything like us, that would mean God planned the Holocaust. Which makes God a monster. No, the new God didn’t plan all of that. God’s job is not planner.

I deleted my paragraph on free will here. Free will is the escape hatch for all talk of God, and I don’t want to go out that way.
I maintain that God’s primary job is as a sustainer. Human beings are in an impossible situation and we don’t need some judge in Heaven, we don’t need a monster creator, and we don’t need a love addict. We need a sustainer, someone to help us through, something beyond, that we can hang our hopes and dreams upon, that won’t let us down because no matter how bad it gets, there is always hope. Roll away the stone. The tomb is empty. There is a God. Tim Tebow lead the Broncos in a victory over the Pittsburg Steelers. After something like 22 drives without a touchdown. A resurrection.

God’s job isn’t to stop our tears. It is to cry with us and be with us, in us, speak through us, sustain us.

Any other God that cannot or will not provide love and comfort needs a 45. Caliber Colt Killer bullet, right between the eyes.

I reckon.