Category Archives: All about me

I Am Being Led to Nowhere

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Gotta be careful on this blog post. I’ve built my life upon a twelve-step program, and I want to remain anonymous, but still get my point across. In the end, it doesn’t matter what my addiction was. Heck, I was addicted to Warcraft II for months and months. The two-headed ogre, each head with its own opinion.

“Are you ready?”

“I’m not ready.”

My addiction works like this. It wipes me away from myself and for minutes, hours, days, I’m not me. I’m nothing. I don’t exist. Yes, I still have pleasure centers, and I still think, and feel, but for those blissful moments, the “me” inside is gone. Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

The problem is, I come back. And generally, feel worse. It doesn’t work. Works for a little while, but addictions are not permanent solution. If they were, would they still be addictions?

My favorite author in the world, Poe Ballantine, says drugs make you feel good for a minute and then leave you feeling worse for hours. It’s just like that. I’ll blog about Poe. Oh yes, it’s on my list. Like Hall and Oates’ kiss.

I was told that the word addiction comes from the latin words “ad” and “ducere”. Ducere, maybe, means “to lead, to consider, to regard.” If that’s the case, ad+ducere would be to lead toward. Ha, it doesn’t say I get there. Just that I am led. By the nose. Like a bull and that ring thing in their nose. Just like that. I don’t get a say. I am being led.

When I say no to addiction, I feel like I am missing out on the most precious parts of life, that I will never be happy again, and life has no meaning. I have to play Warcraft II. What else is there in life? When I’m in that space, all I know, all I see, is what I want, however ephemeral and damaging that something might be. So I give in, and minutes later, nothing has changed, only that I broke a promise to myself. Over and over. I won’t do it. I did it. Dang. Now what? I was led to nowhere, and now I’m back to where I began. Climbing up a hill of sand with razor blades buried underneath.

So the fix is to be led to something that sustains. Might be God, might be writing, might be family, might be friends. But something that is life-giving. Warcraft II? It’s not evil. It’s not the Devil. It just is. And many people played Warcraft II and didn’t get divorced. I got hooked and was led away.

The other piece of this is to work for that rare ability to be happy inside one’s own life. I am me. This is my life, as it is, and it’s good. I am truly satisfied with who I am and what I am doing. Yeah, how many people do you know who can get there?

It takes willingness, patience and labor. But I believe I will get there.

Do You Feel LUCKY, Little Boy?

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I really liked the character of Longshot from the X-Men comics. Now, I didn’t understand the whole mutants-from-another-dimension thing, but I love the idea that my genes are situated in such a way that I’m just lucky.

Goes back to the whole, if I could have any mutant ability, what would it be? I’d say Luck.

I’m iffy on the will of God. I gotta say. But I do believe fully in luck. Take for example, my short, undramatic love life. Whenever I met a girl, I always felt lucky. Like, no seriously, there’s the phrase “Get lucky” for a reason. I’d be out, at a party, whatever, and suddenly, I’m talking with a girl, a real live girl, one who breathes and everything. Oh, wow!

Jobs, lucky. Writing, lucky. Finding a penny, lucky.

But is there luck, or is there putting yourself in the right place at the right time? Of being in the world, and paying attention to the gifts we are given? Take for example, the penny. If you never leave your house, you won’t find the shiny penny on the street. You might in your couch cushions, but does that count? I mean, it’s your penny after all. Or prolly is, depending on how much time you spend on Craigslist buying ghetto couches.

I spent most of my youth, my wild, misspent youth, watching TV. It’s hard to meet girls when you’re watching TV in the basement. No, seriously. Only one time did a super model come to my door, asking for me. Kidding. That never happened. Well, the girl next door came by, and she was hot, but that’s another story.

So get off the couch. Go outside. Look for pennies. Look for chicks. Go out into the world. Pay attention. And you just might get lucky. Maybe not Longshot lucky, but it’s better than the alternative.

Being alone. Feeling unlucky. Watching Little House on the Prairie.

Oh, Laura!